entwise's Xanga

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Thu, 09 Aug 2007 01:18:48 GMT

I have never fully understood anything. Nothing has ever truely made complete unquestionable sense to me. Everytime i start to feel comfortable the facts change. The truth is temporary, and measurements are never perfect -so any one who claims to know anything is a liar or a fool. a foolish liar. a lying fool. And i forgive this. I expect this. <br>

The internet is the greatest collection of man's misinformation. With enough False conclusions and contradicting facts to reverse time its self. Natural such a creation is an instant addiction to our thirst minds desperate for guidence and solid facts upon which to base thier lives. After all 'Knowledge is power' even if the knowlege is outdated. I wish i could believe without doubt. I wish i had faith. Faith is amazingly protective by assuming pretenses you can disregard the chaotic reality and never have to think for yourself. It must be so comforting to think it all make sense to think there is a meaning a reason even a purpose to your life, how wonderful it must be to believe such silly things. <br>

I'm jealous of all the fools. They sleep at night while i lay awake. They answer every question with a sentence or less while i fill page after page with no solid answers. They never worry about wasted time or unfulfilled dreams. They say that there is always tomorrow while i might die today. They never fear with thier gods to help them out of sticky spots. And when the world ends they'll go singing, they'll be singing. A song I don't know. In a language i don't speak. Of a world I don't believe in.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 01:43:02 GMT

I need to take a break from myself. I need something external to focus on. If I stay stuck here like this i'm sure to implode i have so much passion so much hate dreams and wishes, and they are all so rediculous. SOme one has to need me. They don't have to love or even like me just depend on me for thier happiness. I need a hug. I need explosives and a hand gun. I don't know anything. I should just shut up everyone should shut up. take a moment to take IT all in. Smash all the TV's and mirrors and let everything go up in flame.burn and break everything untill nothing is familiar.nothing connects you to the world or your past and then see what you know.What fact can you tell me with absolute certianty with no need of proof what is a single comforting truth.

nothing is man made Man can only take the pre-existing substance and mold it in to something else this does not mean we make it.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 20:54:31 GMT

I can't remeber what i was. I spend so much time alone in silent observation thinking about completely point less theories that i get lost. humanity disappoints me time and time again. not discluding myself. what does the person with the heart and soul of an artist do with no talent, having all the emotions and feeling wanting to creat them in something but not knowing what. Writer's block, doesn't even begin to cover it all. Whats the point of perfection if it is so incomprehenceable so bryond us that it cannot exist in our mere three dimensions. this idea is the human flaw, the idea of something flawless.

It is impossible to obtain yet i can't stop reaching for it. And i don't even know what it is.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 00:26:44 GMT

Its times like these I wish I had a ridiculously big beach ball colored like the world. You know the ones you buy at Big Lots to take home and think about inflating.If and when you do finally blow it up you're out of breath by the time it is mostly inflated. when full you don't have the energy to play any more and everyone has lost interest. So it sits collecting dust. Just it you and the people in your head. and when winter comes and friends go dumping you like a drained battery you feel as useless, unpractical, and worthless as the beach ball painted like the world. but unlike the world you are not an inanimate object unfortunately. if i had such a beach ball i would throw darts at it.

Unfortunately i don't have a world or darts.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 03:10:07 GMT

I really need to get some sleep but the people in my head are having a shouting contest. Its lasting far too long... I've been going low a lot lately and not on purpose. And its begining to effect my emotions. Yes believe it or not i have emotions below my cheerful exterior lives monsters. I suppose if i let them out more often they wouldn't be so scary and big but i can't, not here, not for a second. And school well, People already look at me like I'm Some freak.

I don't remeber a lot of what has really been going on in the world. But certian moment stand out in ANnoyingly Vivid states irrlogical reality. For example I remeber last week in latin Mrs. Foster Was sending us on a life or death mission and the fate of humanity rested in our knowing something important- It must have been very important because i forgot it as soon as she said it-. and in science i remeber chocolate having to do with a formula and Mr Edgar Torturing the entire hungry and sleep deprived class by hanging chocolate bars on the board so while he 'taught' we had to look at them.

I also had some fun delussions. In math i kept breaking out in uncontrolible laughter when ever i looked at Eric. He is a funny kid. I'm pretty sure the whole class thought i was high or something.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 20:01:21 GMT

i survived another visit to dad and his new family. Geoff and i spent most of the time being ignored and staying out of the way. We went to town one day and got terribly lost or as i call it went on a unplanned adventure. on this little adventure My brother and i Were offered Weed Which i honestly wanted to try but refused being as i was with my brother and walking on glass. the guy who offered was very excited to hear we were from the states he kept going on and on about how much he loved the USA (obviously he was high).

Any ways the visit was pretty uneventfull we stayed out of sight reading and when dad got home we would eat and play some board game. As expected all he really talked about was work and how boring life is. He related his life to the Mellencamp song Jack and Diane, or at least to the refrain:

"Oh yeah, life goes on
Long after the thrill of living is gone."

Its hard to make sense of what dad says and what he whats to ssay everything has to stay planned so as to not be understood by Little Christopher and Little Valorie. Or worst yet Gerda. Its Like he has to wear a mask that has sort of molded his face into a forced smile. but every once in a while he lets slip to Geoff and i A crack of unhappiness. But why to us? He never did much to protect us from truth. He never let us believe in those lies that soften the world maybe it was in some part Mom or in some part us. We weren't much for holding hands to cross the street or cry when left at preschool.

I read a text book on social phsycology there was a study done on child parent relationship. It went like this: a parent went with thier child to a room set up sort of like a waiting room with toys and chairs they would stay in the room with thier child for the first 20 minuets then would leave thier child.

The following reactions were observed :

1. the child stayed sitting by thier parent nervous of the new place, and cried and clinged when the parent left.

2. The child wandered around the room playing with the toys while the parent was present but became frightened and paniced when the parent left. ( this was the most comman reaction)

3. the child Played with the toys and showed no reation when the parent left.

I guess Geoff and I have always been #3. and Chistopher is a 2 and Valorie a 1. So naturally Dad is less protective of his #3's than his 2 & 1.

Good old science. always offers an explanation for what the heart can't understand.

" Oh, let it rock, let it roll
Let the Bible Belt come and save my soul
Hold on to sixteen as long as you can
Change is comin' 'round real soon, make us women and men"

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 01:28:55 GMT

Hehe Well i suppose i owe an explanation to all you cut off puppets as to what exactly the hell is going on. Of course Keep in mind most of the time i don't have a clue what is happening... But i'll try to Give clear report ...hem where to begin...

I'll Begin at the end... Jessie and I Were um well ... i'm not really sure what we were or what we are, Its an impossible nonexistent relationship, That Was as obscure in the end as it was in the begining. So yeah... Bumhe is A Crazy Martian Say hello ... Its hard to discribe "Who" He is. I'm sure no one can introduce Him better than Bumhe.... so hem..

As for you not knowing me any more, ask yourself this: Did you ever really Know me?

Monday, December 05, 2005

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 02:34:25 GMT

SO much has happened and I haven't written a thing in so long. I don't even know where to begin so guess I'll list every thing in ABC order:

1. Asked out By Bumhe...said yes.

2. Attacked by a cactus.

3. Fell in love with sweet potatoes

4. Meet My Uncle Jon Who is Interrogated me Until I Ask "Why are you asking me all these random silly questions?" And he replied " just seeing if you 'ld stand up or fall down." He was very strange

5. Passed Drivers ed. And scared a few years off of coach Fairchild's life

6. Preformed in 30/60 And loved it. I wasn't nervous at all once we were on the stage But before the show i felt like i'ld either run around the world or faint from tiredness

7. Visited My Aunt Vicky In Tuscan Arizona for thanksgiving

8. Went on first real Date: Which I don't need to write here to remember

WOW. Too Much to record, or remerber. I'm going to go crazy ya know. I'm not use to having reality Hold my attention For such long periods of time. Now with so much going on In the real world My world Is being left in its box and is getting restless... Its going to explode at a very inconvenient time like during one act compitions in front of a ton of people. And after that we will all have something to joke about...

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Sun, 13 Nov 2005 05:07:24 GMT

For someone with such an uninteresting life I really do write a lot of interesting entries. I went back through time and traced the script of my mind back to the beginning. It was a long and ultimately pointless journey but so goes life. however I did come to realize two things:

1: I'm a Hypocrite! Or i just love arguing so much my mind battles constantly with opposite feelings and opinions. No I'm just a Hypocrite. Then again Isn't everyone to some extent?

2: I need a life... and a dictionary.

Heres your turn to write a lot of nothing:

I like these little things...I know, I'm a dork...

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF....
>>i came to you in the middle of the night?
>>i said i loved you?::
>>i kissed you?::
>>i moved next door to you?::
>>i started a bad habit?::
>>i gave you my heart?::
>>i was hospitalized?::
>>i took a bullet for you?::
>>i got into a fight and you werent there?:: g

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY::
>>personality?::
>>eyes?::
>>hair?::
>>family?::

WOULD YOU::
>>be my friend?::
>>keep a secret if i told you one?::
>>hold my hand?::
>>tell me that you loved me if you did?::
>>keep in touch?::
>>listen and help solve my problems?::
>>love me?::
>>date me?::

HAVE YOU EVER::
>>kissed me and meant it?::
>>wanted to kiss me?::
>>wanted to kiss me over and over again?::
>>won my heart?::
>>keep some thing important from me?::
>>thought i was hott?::

(*::AnD mOrE*)
1.who are you?::
2.are we friends? best friends?::
3.when and how did we meet?::
4.describe me in one word?::
5.what was your first thought of me?::
6.do you still have that thought about me now?::
7.what reminds you of me?::
8.if you could give me any thing what would it be?::
9.how would you tell me that you liked me?::
10.when was the last time you saw me?::
11.ever wanted to tell me some thing but you couldnt?::
12.are you going to put this on yours to see what i say?:

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 00:36:09 GMT

I'm sick as a rabid dog. And am yet to finish up this project that is due tomorrow. hehe... Yeah you do type a lot but then again thier are two of you .

You all can hear the song right turn your speckers up until your parents yell at you and then motion you don't hear what they are saying over the smooth music thus forcing them to manually adjust the volume (and as this all happens i'll be watching knowing i am controling thier minds <insert evil laugh>).

I found a Jimi Hendrix CD while cleaning out what remains in Adams room. And i took it. It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to ask permission. exspecially when the person is in Japan! Well this is one of his songs i liked but it wasn't my favorite. I read the CD insert about him he had a very interesting point of view. Get this the Night he died (from "suffacation" ) he had been writing a song "The Story of Life"! Isn't that ironic it made for very poetic last words:

The story

Of Life is quicker

than th wink of an eye.

the story of love

is Hello and Goodbye,

Until we meet again.