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I have never fully understood anything. Nothing has ever truely made complete unquestionable sense to me. Everytime i start to feel comfortable the facts change. The truth is temporary, and measurements are never perfect -so any one who claims to know anything is a liar or a fool.  a foolish liar. a lying fool. And i forgive this. I expect this. <br>

The internet is the greatest collection of man's misinformation. With enough False conclusions and contradicting facts to reverse time its self. Natural such a creation is an instant addiction to our thirst minds desperate for guidence and solid facts upon which to base thier lives. After all 'Knowledge is power' even if the knowlege is outdated. I wish i could believe without doubt. I wish i had faith. Faith is amazingly protective by assuming pretenses you can disregard the chaotic reality and never have to think for yourself. It must be so comforting to think it all make sense to think there is a meaning a reason even a purpose to your life, how wonderful it must be to believe such silly things. <br>

I'm jealous of all the fools. They sleep at night while i lay awake. They answer every question with a sentence or less while i fill page after page with no solid answers. They never worry about wasted time or unfulfilled dreams. They say that there is always tomorrow while i might die today. They never fear with thier gods to help them out of sticky spots. And when the world ends they'll go singing, they'll be singing. A song I don't know. In a language i don't speak. Of a world I don't believe in.        

I need to take a break from myself. I need something external to focus on. If I stay stuck here like this i'm sure to implode i have so much passion so much hate dreams and wishes, and they are all so rediculous. SOme one has to need me. They don't have to love or even like me just depend on me for thier happiness. I need a hug. I need explosives and a hand gun. I don't know anything. I should just shut up everyone should shut up. take a moment to take IT all in.  Smash all the TV's and mirrors and let everything go up in flame.burn and break everything untill nothing is familiar.nothing connects you to the world or your past and then see what you know.What fact can you tell me with absolute certianty with no need of proof what is a single comforting truth.

nothing is man made Man can only take the pre-existing substance and mold it in to something else this does not mean we make it.  

I can't remeber what i was. I spend so much time alone in silent observation thinking about completely point less theories that i get lost. humanity disappoints me time and time again. not discluding myself. what does the person with the heart and soul of an artist do with no talent, having all the emotions and feeling wanting to creat them in something but not knowing what. Writer's block, doesn't even begin to cover it all. Whats the point of perfection if it is so incomprehenceable so bryond us that it cannot exist in our mere three dimensions. this idea is the human flaw, the idea of something flawless.

 It is impossible to obtain yet i can't stop reaching for it. And i don't even know what it is.  

Its times like these I wish I had a ridiculously big beach ball colored like the world. You know the ones you buy at Big Lots to take home and think about inflating.If and when you do finally blow it up you're out of breath by the time it is mostly inflated. when full you don't have the energy to play any more and everyone has lost interest. So it sits collecting dust. Just it you and the people in your head. and when winter comes and friends go dumping you like a drained battery you feel as useless, unpractical, and worthless as the beach ball painted like the world. but unlike the world you are not an inanimate object unfortunately. if i had such a beach ball i would throw darts at it.

Unfortunately i don't have a world or darts.

I really need to get some sleep but the people in my head are having a shouting contest. Its lasting far too long... I've been going low a lot lately and not on purpose. And its begining to effect my emotions. Yes believe it or not i have emotions below my cheerful exterior lives monsters. I suppose if i let them out more often they wouldn't be so scary and big but i can't, not here, not for a second. And school well, People already look at me like I'm Some freak.

I don't remeber a lot of what has really been going on in the world. But certian moment stand out in ANnoyingly Vivid states irrlogical reality. For example I remeber last week in latin Mrs. Foster Was sending us on a life or death mission and the fate of humanity rested in our knowing something important- It must have been very important because i forgot it as soon as she said it-. and in science i remeber chocolate having to do with a formula and Mr Edgar Torturing the entire hungry and sleep deprived class by hanging chocolate bars on the board so while he 'taught' we had to look at them.

I also had some fun delussions. In math i kept breaking out in uncontrolible laughter when ever i looked at Eric. He is a funny kid. I'm pretty sure the whole class thought i was high or something.